1 00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:43,380 It's nice. Don't worry. 2 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,600 Thanks very much. 3 00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:47,360 I appreciate it. 4 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,380 Thank you very much. Thank you all. Thank you. 5 00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:57,320 I appreciate that. 6 00:00:57,940 --> 00:00:58,940 Thank you. 7 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,000 Thank you. 8 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,080 So, let me ask you something. 9 00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:04,780 Let me ask you. How's everybody doing tonight, huh? 10 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,780 Good. Well, fuck you. 11 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,380 Just trying to make you feel at home. 12 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:22,120 Now listen, I've been out here all this time and I haven't been complaining 13 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,280 about anything yet, so I think it's time to go into the complaint department. 14 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,820 This is just a series of things that are pissing me off, okay? 15 00:01:32,810 --> 00:01:37,850 A series of things that are pissing me off because I don't have pet peeves. I 16 00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:40,810 have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay? 17 00:01:42,410 --> 00:01:45,290 And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out. 18 00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:47,310 First thing on my list tonight. 19 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:48,740 airport security. 20 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:53,540 Tired of this shit. There's too much of it. There's too much security at the 21 00:01:53,540 --> 00:01:57,680 airport. I'm tired of some guy with a double -digit IQ and a triple -digit 22 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:02,560 income rooting around inside of my bag for no reason and never finding 23 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:07,340 Haven't found anything yet. Haven't found one bomb in one bag. 24 00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:10,520 And don't tell me, well, the terrorists know their bags are going to be 25 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:14,540 searched, so now they're leaving their bombs at home. There are no bombs. 26 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,880 The whole thing is fucking pointless. 27 00:02:18,370 --> 00:02:22,750 And it's completely without logic. There's no logic at all. They'll take 28 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:24,110 gun but let you keep a knife. 29 00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:25,510 Well, what the fuck is that? 30 00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:31,670 In fact, there's a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on 31 00:02:31,670 --> 00:02:32,670 board. 32 00:02:32,750 --> 00:02:35,890 Theoretically, you could take a knife, a knife pick, a hatchet, a straight 33 00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:39,150 razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, six knitting needles, and a broken 34 00:02:39,150 --> 00:02:42,830 whiskey bottle, and the only thing they're going to say to you is that bag 35 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,630 to fit all the way under the seat in front of you. 36 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,180 If you didn't take a weapon on board, relax. 37 00:02:50,580 --> 00:02:54,060 After you've been flying for about an hour, they're going to bring you a knife 38 00:02:54,060 --> 00:02:55,060 and fork. 39 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,480 They actually give you a fucking knife. 40 00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:03,040 It's only a table knife, but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. 41 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,020 Might take you a couple of minutes, you know. 42 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,560 Especially if he's hefty, huh? 43 00:03:09,620 --> 00:03:13,340 Yeah, but you could get the job done if you really wanted to kill the prick. 44 00:03:14,660 --> 00:03:17,860 Shit, there's a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could 45 00:03:17,860 --> 00:03:21,020 probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times, couldn't you? 46 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:25,920 Or suppose you just had really big hands. 47 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,960 Couldn't you strangle a flight attendant? 48 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,960 Shit, you could probably strangle two of them, one with each hand. 49 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,380 You know, if you were lucky enough to catch them in that little kitchen area 50 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:37,540 before they give out the fucking peanuts, you know? 51 00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:41,960 But you could get the job done if you really cared enough. 52 00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:47,390 So why is it they allow a man with big, powerful hands to get on board an 53 00:03:47,390 --> 00:03:48,390 airplane? 54 00:03:48,510 --> 00:03:53,090 I'll tell you why. They know he's not a security risk because he's already 55 00:03:53,090 --> 00:03:55,430 answered the three big questions. 56 00:03:56,710 --> 00:04:00,010 Question number one. Did you pack your bags yourself? 57 00:04:02,730 --> 00:04:03,730 No. 58 00:04:04,770 --> 00:04:06,510 Carrot Top packed my bags. 59 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:14,880 He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last 60 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:20,420 fixed me a lovely lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils 61 00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:24,980 from India, performed a four -way around the world, and then they packed my 62 00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:25,980 bags. 63 00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:27,680 Next question. 64 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:37,500 Have your bags been in your possession the 65 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:38,500 whole time? 66 00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:39,580 No. 67 00:04:40,650 --> 00:04:46,170 Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my 68 00:04:46,170 --> 00:04:49,550 suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several 69 00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,550 hours. 70 00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:52,570 Just for good luck. 71 00:04:54,190 --> 00:04:55,310 Next question. 72 00:04:56,730 --> 00:05:00,390 Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board? 73 00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:02,010 Hmm. 74 00:05:02,810 --> 00:05:05,330 Well, what exactly is an unknown person? 75 00:05:06,490 --> 00:05:08,550 Surely everyone is known to someone. 76 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:16,580 In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yousef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each 77 00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:17,580 other quite well. 78 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,380 They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest. 79 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,340 And that's another thing they don't like at the airport. 80 00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:29,620 Jokes. You know? Yeah, you can't joke about a bomb. 81 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,760 Well, why is it just jokes? What about a riddle? 82 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,500 How about a limerick? 83 00:05:37,180 --> 00:05:39,060 How about a bomb anecdote? 84 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,960 You know, no punchline, just a really cute story. 85 00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:49,860 Or suppose you intended the remark, not as a joke, but as an ironic musing. Are 86 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:51,360 they prepared to make that distinction? 87 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,220 Why, I think not. 88 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,760 And besides, who's to say what's funny? 89 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:01,380 Airport security is a stupid idea, it's a waste of money, and it's only there 90 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:04,500 for one reason, to make white people feel safe. 91 00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:05,940 That's all. 92 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,960 The illusion. 93 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,320 The feeling and illusion of safety. 94 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,280 Because the authorities know they can't make an airplane completely safe. Too 95 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,320 many people have access. 96 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,800 You'll notice the drug smugglers don't seem to have a lot of trouble getting 97 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,780 their little packages on board, do they? 98 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:23,680 No, and God bless them too. 99 00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:34,400 Oh, and by the way, an airplane flight shouldn't be completely safe. 100 00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:36,420 You need a little danger in your life. 101 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,110 Take a fucking chance once in a while, will you? 102 00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:42,610 What are you going to do? Play with your prick for another 30 years? 103 00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:47,570 What, are you going to read People magazine and eat at Wendy's till the end 104 00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:48,570 time? 105 00:06:48,810 --> 00:06:50,330 Take a fucking chance. 106 00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:55,210 Besides, even if they made all the airplanes completely safe, the 107 00:06:55,210 --> 00:06:58,030 would simply start bombing other places that are crowded. 108 00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:01,110 Porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gang bangs. 109 00:07:02,370 --> 00:07:04,710 You know, entertainment venues. 110 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,480 The odds of you being killed by a terrorist are practically zero. 111 00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:13,000 So I say relax and enjoy the show. 112 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:17,340 You have to be a realist. You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain 113 00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:21,000 groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian 114 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,280 fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana. 115 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:31,380 are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a 116 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:32,520 long time. 117 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:33,660 That's the reality. 118 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:38,820 Angry men in combat fatigues talking to God on a two -way radio and muttering 119 00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:42,820 incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually going to provide us with a 120 00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:43,820 deal of entertainment. 121 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,420 Especially after your stupid fucking economy collapses. 122 00:07:49,310 --> 00:07:52,310 all around you and the terrorists come out of the woodwork and you'll have 123 00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:55,750 anthrax in your water supply and sarin gas in your air conditioner. There'll be 124 00:07:55,750 --> 00:08:00,390 chemical and biological suitcase bombs in every city and I say enjoy it. Relax. 125 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:04,690 Enjoy the show. Take a fucking chance. Put a little fun in your life. To me, 126 00:08:04,810 --> 00:08:06,130 terrorism is exciting. 127 00:08:06,410 --> 00:08:07,410 It's exciting. 128 00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:11,590 I think the very idea that you can set off a bomb in a marketplace and kill 129 00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:15,550 several hundred people is exciting and stimulating and I see it as a form of 130 00:08:15,550 --> 00:08:16,550 entertainment. 131 00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:31,010 Most Americans are soft and frightened and unimaginative and they don't realize 132 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,970 there's such a thing as dangerous fun. 133 00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:37,429 And they certainly don't recognize a good show when they see one. I have 134 00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:41,409 been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of 135 00:08:41,770 --> 00:08:44,970 And I've always been willing to put you at great personal risk for the same 136 00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:49,880 reason. As far as I'm concerned, all of this airport security, all the searches, 137 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:54,000 the screenings, the cameras, the questions, it's just one more way of 138 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:58,740 your liberty and reminding you that they can fuck with you any time they want. 139 00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,660 As long as you put up with it. 140 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:02,900 As long as you put up with it. 141 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,900 Which means, of course, any time they want. 142 00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:09,660 Because that's what Americans do now. They're always willing to trade away a 143 00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:14,360 little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling, the illusion of security. 144 00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:20,620 What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with 145 00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:25,240 safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs. 146 00:09:25,580 --> 00:09:26,680 There's another thing. 147 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:31,700 Germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have 148 00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:35,400 noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest 149 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:41,020 infections, salmonella, E. coli, hantavirus, bird flu. And the Americans, 150 00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:44,820 panic easily. So now everybody's running around scrubbing this and spraying that 151 00:09:44,820 --> 00:09:48,620 and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying 152 00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,040 all contact with germs. 153 00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:55,740 It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before 154 00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,880 you a lethal injection, swab your arm with alcohol. 155 00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:02,180 It's true. 156 00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:03,540 It's true. 157 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:06,440 It's true. 158 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:11,980 Well, they don't want you to get an infection. 159 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,180 And you can see their point. Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell and be sick. 160 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,280 It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. 161 00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:25,680 Fear it, germs. Why, these fucking pussies. 162 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,400 You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore. 163 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,060 They cook the shit out of everything now because everybody's afraid of food 164 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:35,720 poisoning. Hey, where's your sense of adventure? 165 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,940 Take a fucking chance, will you? You know how many people die in this country 166 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:43,120 from food poisoning every year? 9 ,000. That's all. 167 00:10:43,340 --> 00:10:44,480 It's a minor risk. 168 00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:50,080 Take a fucking chance, bunch of goddamn pussies. 169 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,560 Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? 170 00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:56,320 It's for killing germs. 171 00:10:57,100 --> 00:11:00,460 But it needs practice. It needs germs to practice on. 172 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,740 So, so listen. 173 00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:05,900 So listen. 174 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:12,220 If you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then 175 00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:14,560 when germs do come along, you're not going to be prepared. 176 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,280 And never mind ordinary germs. 177 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:20,100 What are you going to do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital 178 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,760 organs into liquid shit? 179 00:11:22,790 --> 00:11:25,250 I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to get sick, you're going 180 00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:28,230 die, and you're going to deserve it because you're fucking weak and you've 181 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,430 fucking weak immune system. 182 00:11:30,450 --> 00:11:35,510 Now... All right. 183 00:11:38,010 --> 00:11:43,570 Let me tell you a true story about immunization, okay? When I was a little 184 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:48,550 in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River, and it was filled 185 00:11:48,550 --> 00:11:50,310 with raw sewage, okay? 186 00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:54,530 We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. 187 00:11:56,370 --> 00:12:00,810 And at that time, the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio 188 00:12:00,810 --> 00:12:04,330 every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio. 189 00:12:04,330 --> 00:12:05,330 No one ever. 190 00:12:05,510 --> 00:12:06,289 You know why? 191 00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:08,470 Because we swam in raw sewage. 192 00:12:09,590 --> 00:12:11,970 It strengthened our immune systems. 193 00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:16,070 The polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit. 194 00:12:18,090 --> 00:12:19,090 So. 195 00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:23,410 So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. 196 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,730 I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough. I don't wipe off the 197 00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:29,970 telephone. I don't cover the toilet seat. And if I drop food on the floor, I 198 00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:31,110 pick it up and eat it. 199 00:12:31,690 --> 00:12:33,210 I eat it. 200 00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:40,890 Even if I'm at a sidewalk cafe in 201 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:47,050 Calcutta, the poor section, a New Year's morning during a soccer riot. 202 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:52,340 And you know something? In spite of all that so -called risky behavior, I never 203 00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:53,179 get infections. 204 00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:56,260 I don't get them. I don't get colds. I don't get flu. I don't get headaches. I 205 00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:59,500 don't get upset stomachs. And you know why? Because I got a good, strong immune 206 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,580 system, and it gets a lot of practice. 207 00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:05,860 My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic 208 00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:09,500 military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes. 209 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:14,160 And we have recently acquired phosphorus grenades, cluster bombs, and anti 210 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,780 -personnel fragmentation mines. 211 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:20,480 So, when my white blood cells are on patrol, reconnoitering my bloodstream, 212 00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:25,040 seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, any 213 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,580 -looking germs of any kind, they don't fuck around. 214 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:32,720 They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker, and deposit the unlucky 215 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,620 fellow directly into my colon. 216 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,000 Into my colon. There's no nonsense. 217 00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:41,400 There's no Miranda warning. There's none of that three strikes and you're out 218 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,060 shit. First defense, bam, into the colon you go. 219 00:13:56,940 --> 00:14:02,380 And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don't automatically wash my hands 220 00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:04,400 every time I go to the bathroom, okay? 221 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,300 Can you deal with that? 222 00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:11,600 Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You know when I wash my hands? 223 00:14:11,820 --> 00:14:12,980 When I shit on them. 224 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,360 That's the only time. 225 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:22,780 And you know how often that happens? Tops, tops! Two, three times a week. 226 00:14:23,620 --> 00:14:27,280 Tops. Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays. You know what I mean? 227 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,120 And I'll tell you something else, my well -scrubbed friends. 228 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:36,640 You don't always need a shower every day. Did you know that? It's overkill. 229 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:41,240 Unless you work out or work outdoors or for some reason come in intimate contact 230 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:45,180 with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don't always need a 231 00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:49,160 shower. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas. 232 00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,040 Armpits, asshole, crotch, and T. 233 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,540 asshole crotch and teeth. 234 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:02,460 In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same 235 00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:04,300 brush on all four areas. 236 00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:13,540 Thank you. 237 00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:16,120 I appreciate it. Thank you. 238 00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:18,580 All right. 239 00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:22,840 Now listen, I got a few more items of things that are pissing me off. 240 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,320 And this one comes in the form of a question. 241 00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:30,200 Haven't we had about enough of this cigar -smoking shit in this country? 242 00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:35,600 When is this going to end? 243 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,860 When is this shit going to go away? 244 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:42,520 When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid, overfed, overprivileged, overindulged, 245 00:15:42,540 --> 00:15:48,300 white -collar, business criminal, asshole cocksuckers going to put out 246 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:51,180 cigars and move along to their next abomination? 247 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,820 Pussy businessmen sucking on a big brown dick. 248 00:15:58,260 --> 00:15:59,580 That's all it is. 249 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,980 That's all it is. That's all it is. 250 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,840 Yeah. A big brown dick. 251 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,900 Sigmund Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 252 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:15,060 Oh, yeah? Well, sometimes it's a big brown dick. 253 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,980 With a fat, arrogant, white -collar business criminal asshole sucking on the 254 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:22,980 end of it. 255 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:28,700 But hey, the news is not all bad for me. Not all bad. You want to know the good 256 00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,640 part? Cancer of the mouth. 257 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:32,560 Good. Fuck them. 258 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:37,960 Makes me happy. It's an attractive disease. Goes nice with a cell phone. 259 00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:45,080 So light up, suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty 260 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,920 and blow it out your ass, you fucking cocksucker. 261 00:16:57,870 --> 00:17:00,110 Here's another question I've been pondering. 262 00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:03,250 What is all this shit about angels? 263 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:04,750 Have you heard this? 264 00:17:04,970 --> 00:17:08,230 Yeah, three out of four people now believe in angels. 265 00:17:09,050 --> 00:17:10,730 What are you, fucking stupid? 266 00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:16,310 Has everybody lost their fucking minds in this country? 267 00:17:17,089 --> 00:17:21,369 Angel shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, 268 00:17:21,589 --> 00:17:25,569 psychotic, chemical flashback of all the drugs. 269 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,079 All the drugs. 270 00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:32,780 Smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 271 00:17:32,780 --> 00:17:34,480 1960 to 1990. 272 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:39,380 30 years of adulterated street drugs will get you some fucking angels, my 273 00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:40,380 friend. 274 00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:43,920 Angels, shit. What about goblins, huh? 275 00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:45,800 Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? 276 00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:50,100 Never hear about them except on Halloween, and it's always negative 277 00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:51,019 you know? 278 00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:54,220 And zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies? 279 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,420 That's the trouble with zombies. They're unreliable. 280 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,440 I say if you're going to buy the angel shit, you might as well go for the 281 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,440 package as well. 282 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:12,180 Here's another horrifying example or aspect of American culture that the 283 00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:18,200 pussification, the continued, the continued pussification of the American 284 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:25,020 in the form... Yeah, all right. 285 00:18:27,110 --> 00:18:30,390 In the form of Harley Davidson theme restaurant. 286 00:18:31,550 --> 00:18:34,450 What the fuck is going on here? 287 00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:37,710 Harley Davidson used to mean something. 288 00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:40,010 It stood for biker attitude. 289 00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:46,250 Grimy outlaws and their sweaty mamas, full of beer and crank, rolling around 290 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:50,770 Harleys, looking for a good time, destroying property, raping teenagers, 291 00:18:50,770 --> 00:18:51,770 killing policemen. 292 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:57,190 Very necessary activities, by the way. 293 00:18:57,630 --> 00:19:00,010 But now, theme restaurants. 294 00:19:00,210 --> 00:19:04,430 And this soft shit obviously didn't come from hardcore bikers. It came from 295 00:19:04,430 --> 00:19:09,130 these weekend motorcyclists. These fraudulent two -day -a -week 296 00:19:09,130 --> 00:19:13,630 who have their bikes trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota for the big rally 297 00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:16,130 then ride around like they just came in off the road. 298 00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:20,090 Dentists and bureaucrats and pussy boy software designers. 299 00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:25,450 Getting up on a Harley because they think it makes them cool. Well, hey, 300 00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:26,550 you ain't cool. 301 00:19:26,690 --> 00:19:27,750 You're fucking chilly. 302 00:19:28,970 --> 00:19:30,990 And chilly ain't never been cool. 303 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:35,690 And here, as long as we're talking about theme restaurants, I got a proposition 304 00:19:35,690 --> 00:19:41,170 for you. I think if white people are going to burn down black churches, then 305 00:19:41,170 --> 00:19:44,050 black people ought to burn down the House of Blues. 306 00:19:44,590 --> 00:19:48,010 What a fucking disgrace that place is. 307 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,900 The House of Blues. They ought to call it the House of Lame White 308 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:59,640 Inauthentic, low -frequency, single -digit, lame white motherfuckers. 309 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:03,100 these male movie stars who think they're blues artists. 310 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:06,700 You ever see these guys? Don't you just want to puke in your soup with one of 311 00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:10,980 these fat, balding, overweight, overage, out -of -shape, middle -aged male movie 312 00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:15,100 stars with sunglasses, jumps on stage and starts blowing into a harmonica? 313 00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,520 a fucking sacrilege. 314 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:22,860 In the first place, in the first place, white people got no business playing the 315 00:20:22,860 --> 00:20:28,880 blues ever, at all, under any circumstances, ever, ever, ever. 316 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,060 What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? 317 00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:35,980 Banana Republic ran out of khaki? 318 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:43,920 Huh? The espresso machine is jammed? 319 00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:47,020 Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up? 320 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:53,240 Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues, 321 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:54,400 not to get them. 322 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:59,520 And certainly not to sing or play them. Tell you a little secret about the 323 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,240 blues. It's not enough to know which notes to play. You've got to know why 324 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,240 need to be played. 325 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:10,140 And another thing. I don't think white people should be trying to dance like 326 00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:11,680 blacks. Stop that! 327 00:21:14,030 --> 00:21:16,370 Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes. 328 00:21:17,690 --> 00:21:21,830 And that repulsive country line dancing shit that you do. 329 00:21:22,610 --> 00:21:27,650 And be yourself. Be proud. Be white. Be lame. And get the fuck off the dance 330 00:21:27,650 --> 00:21:28,650 floor. 331 00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:30,910 Now. 332 00:21:33,830 --> 00:21:36,270 I thank you. Now, listen. 333 00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:39,710 Long as we're discussing minorities. 334 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,020 I'd like to mention something about language. There are a couple of terms 335 00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:47,960 used a lot these days by guilty white liberals. 336 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,080 First one is happens to be. 337 00:21:50,540 --> 00:21:52,000 He happens to be black. 338 00:21:52,380 --> 00:21:54,940 I have a friend who happens to be black. 339 00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:57,580 Like it's a fucking accident, you know? 340 00:21:59,980 --> 00:22:03,060 Happens to be black. Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yeah, yeah. 341 00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:07,040 He had two black parents. Oh, yes. Yes, he did. Yes, that's right. 342 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,580 And they fucked. Oh, indeed they did. 343 00:22:12,330 --> 00:22:14,490 So where does the surprise part come in? 344 00:22:15,590 --> 00:22:19,410 I should think it would be more unusual if he just happened to be Scandinavian. 345 00:22:22,630 --> 00:22:26,190 And the other term is openly, openly gay. 346 00:22:26,510 --> 00:22:28,170 They'll say, he's openly gay. 347 00:22:28,510 --> 00:22:31,310 But that's the only minority they use that for. 348 00:22:31,510 --> 00:22:33,750 You know, you wouldn't say someone was openly black. 349 00:22:35,050 --> 00:22:36,570 Well, maybe James Brown. 350 00:22:38,110 --> 00:22:39,630 Or Louis Farrakhan. 351 00:22:40,060 --> 00:22:42,300 Louis Farrakhan is openly black. 352 00:22:43,060 --> 00:22:45,360 Colin Powell is not openly black. 353 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,280 Colin Powell is openly white. 354 00:22:49,140 --> 00:22:51,140 He just happens to be black. 355 00:22:52,820 --> 00:22:55,040 Thank you. 356 00:22:55,380 --> 00:22:56,380 Thank you. 357 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,340 Oh, thank you. 358 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:01,760 Thank you. 359 00:23:02,540 --> 00:23:07,140 And while we're at it, when did the word urban become synonymous with the word 360 00:23:07,140 --> 00:23:10,040 black? Did I fall asleep for eight or nine years? 361 00:23:10,620 --> 00:23:14,920 Urban styles, urban trends, urban music. I was not consulted on this at all. 362 00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:18,400 Didn't get an email, didn't get a fax, didn't get a fucking postcard. Fine. 363 00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:22,340 Let them go. And I don't think white women should be calling each other 364 00:23:22,340 --> 00:23:23,580 girlfriend, okay? 365 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,820 Stop pretending to be black. 366 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:31,320 And no matter what color you are, you go girl should probably go. 367 00:23:36,810 --> 00:23:39,670 Right along with you the man. Hey, you the man. 368 00:23:39,950 --> 00:23:42,090 Oh, yeah? Well, you the fucking honk -ass. 369 00:23:45,950 --> 00:23:50,250 Now, something a little more positive for you. Don't want you to think the 370 00:23:50,250 --> 00:23:51,330 show is just negativity. 371 00:23:51,730 --> 00:23:53,070 This is about a festival. 372 00:23:53,470 --> 00:23:57,010 This is my idea for one of those big outdoor summer festivals. 373 00:23:57,470 --> 00:23:59,210 This is called Slugfest. 374 00:24:00,270 --> 00:24:01,650 This is for men only. 375 00:24:02,010 --> 00:24:05,850 Here's what you do. You get about 100 ,000 of these fucking men. 376 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,660 You know the ones I mean, these macho motherfuckers. 377 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:15,780 Yeah, these strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha male 378 00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:18,100 -offs. The muscle assholes. 379 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:23,300 You take about 100 ,000 of these disgusting prick, and you throw them in 380 00:24:23,300 --> 00:24:28,140 dirt arena, big 25 -acre dirt arena, and you just let them beat the shit out of 381 00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:34,260 each other for 24 hours nonstop. No food, no water, just whiskey and PCP. 382 00:24:36,970 --> 00:24:40,750 And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other 383 00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:44,190 only one guy is left standing. Then you take that guy and you put him on a 384 00:24:44,190 --> 00:24:46,490 pedestal and you shoot him in the fucking head. 385 00:24:48,370 --> 00:24:49,370 Yeah. 386 00:24:50,130 --> 00:24:51,130 Yeah. 387 00:24:52,990 --> 00:24:54,790 Then you put the whole thing on TV. 388 00:24:55,810 --> 00:24:57,850 Budweiser would jump at that shit in half a minute. 389 00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:01,770 And guys would volunteer. Guys would line up. All you got to do is promise 390 00:25:01,770 --> 00:25:03,470 a small appliance of some kind. 391 00:25:04,110 --> 00:25:06,950 Men will do anything. Just give them something that plugs in the wall and 392 00:25:06,950 --> 00:25:07,950 a whirring noise. 393 00:25:10,130 --> 00:25:14,870 Here's another male cliché. These guys would cut the sleeves off of their T 394 00:25:14,870 --> 00:25:19,010 -shirts so the rest of us can have an even more compelling experience of 395 00:25:19,010 --> 00:25:20,710 smelling their armpits. 396 00:25:21,250 --> 00:25:24,390 I'd say, hey, Bruno, shut it down, would you please? 397 00:25:24,870 --> 00:25:27,750 You smell like an anchovy's cunt, okay? 398 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:37,740 Not good, Bruno. 399 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,220 And definitely not for sharing. 400 00:25:41,700 --> 00:25:45,840 This is the same kind of guy that has that barbed wire tattoo that goes all 401 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,360 way around the bicep. You've seen that, haven't you? That's just what I need. 402 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:55,080 Some guy who hasn't been laid since the bicentennial wants me to think he's a 403 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,080 bad motherfucker. 404 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:02,220 Because he's got a picture, a painting of some barbed wire on his eyes. Hey, 405 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:04,960 Junior, come around when you have the real thing on there. I'll squeeze that 406 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,660 shit on good and tight for you, okay? 407 00:26:07,540 --> 00:26:08,540 No kidding. 408 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:13,020 No kidding. This is the same kind of guy, if you smash him in the face eight 409 00:26:13,020 --> 00:26:16,640 nine times with a big chunk of concrete and then beat him over the head with a 410 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,760 steel rod for an hour and a half, you know what? 411 00:26:19,180 --> 00:26:21,100 He'd drop like a fucking rock. 412 00:26:22,460 --> 00:26:23,460 Like a rock. 413 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:25,840 Here's another... 414 00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:27,300 guy thing that sucked. 415 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,780 These t -shirts that say, lead, follower, get out of the way. 416 00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:34,440 You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit. 417 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:39,120 Obsolete male impulses from 100 ,000 years ago. 418 00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:43,060 Lead, follower, get out of the way. You know what I do when I see that shirt? I 419 00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:44,060 obstruct. 420 00:26:45,180 --> 00:26:49,000 I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk around. He gets a little 421 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,940 me. I spin him around, kick him in the nuts, rip off the shirt, wipe it on my 422 00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:53,640 ass, and shove it down his fucking throat. 423 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,320 That's what I do. 424 00:26:58,150 --> 00:27:01,150 Yeah. Hey, listen. 425 00:27:01,670 --> 00:27:04,750 That's all these Marines are looking for, a good time. 426 00:27:05,530 --> 00:27:10,510 And speaking of tough guys, I'm getting a little tired of hearing that after six 427 00:27:10,510 --> 00:27:15,230 policemen get arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some black guy's ass and 428 00:27:15,230 --> 00:27:18,310 ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they're going to 429 00:27:18,310 --> 00:27:19,690 have sensitivity training. 430 00:27:20,970 --> 00:27:25,250 I say, hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large, 431 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:29,610 cumbersome object up someone else's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to 432 00:27:29,610 --> 00:27:31,190 the police force in the first place. 433 00:27:32,390 --> 00:27:39,330 You know 434 00:27:39,330 --> 00:27:46,230 what they ought to do? They ought to have two new requirements for being on 435 00:27:46,230 --> 00:27:48,490 police. Intelligence and decency. 436 00:27:49,260 --> 00:27:50,300 You never can tell. 437 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:53,700 It might just work. It certainly hasn't been tried yet. 438 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:58,760 No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is 439 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,620 than a fist and less loving than a dildo. Okay? 440 00:28:02,260 --> 00:28:07,380 Now, this next thing is about our president. 441 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,920 This is about our president. 442 00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:11,820 Bill Jeff. 443 00:28:12,140 --> 00:28:13,140 Bill Jeff. 444 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,019 Bill Jeff. 445 00:28:14,020 --> 00:28:15,740 Clinton. I don't call him Clinton. 446 00:28:15,940 --> 00:28:16,940 I call him Clinton. 447 00:28:18,330 --> 00:28:21,870 Clinton, C -L -I -T, T -I -N apostrophe. 448 00:28:22,850 --> 00:28:25,150 His big deal was JFK. Isn't that right? 449 00:28:25,590 --> 00:28:30,530 Loved JFK. Wanted to emulate JFK in every way. Well, JFK's administration 450 00:28:30,530 --> 00:28:31,530 called Camelot. 451 00:28:31,770 --> 00:28:33,850 Although it really should have been called Cumalot. 452 00:28:34,950 --> 00:28:37,010 Because that's what he did. He came a lot. 453 00:28:37,970 --> 00:28:40,950 So if Clinton's looking for a legacy, that's what he should call it. Well, 454 00:28:40,950 --> 00:28:42,750 Cumalittle would be better for him. 455 00:28:43,130 --> 00:28:45,670 Because he came a little. You know, a little on the dress, a little on the 456 00:28:45,730 --> 00:28:46,730 Not a whole lot, really. 457 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:52,140 He was no match, no match for Kennedy in the pussy department. 458 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,260 Kennedy aimed high. Marilyn Monroe. 459 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,160 Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk. 460 00:28:59,740 --> 00:29:01,280 There's a drop -off here. 461 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:02,620 There's a drop -off. 462 00:29:03,780 --> 00:29:04,780 Thank you. 463 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:07,840 Thank you. 464 00:29:08,060 --> 00:29:09,060 Now. 465 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:13,960 I appreciate it. Something else I'm getting tired of is all this stupid... 466 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,480 bullshit we have to listen to all the time about children. 467 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,400 It's all you hear in this country. 468 00:29:19,620 --> 00:29:23,040 Children. Help the children. What about the children? Save the children. 469 00:29:23,260 --> 00:29:24,119 You know what I say? 470 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:25,180 Fuck the children. 471 00:29:25,980 --> 00:29:26,980 Fuck them. 472 00:29:27,860 --> 00:29:30,320 They're getting entirely too much attention. 473 00:29:31,100 --> 00:29:33,820 And I know what you're thinking. You say, Jesus, he's not going to attack 474 00:29:33,820 --> 00:29:34,820 children, is he? 475 00:29:35,020 --> 00:29:36,020 Yes, he is. 476 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,240 He's going to attack children. 477 00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:42,240 And remember, this is Mr. 478 00:29:42,540 --> 00:29:43,540 Conductor talking. 479 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:45,620 I know what I'm talking about. 480 00:29:46,300 --> 00:29:48,160 I know what I'm talking about. 481 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:56,540 And I also know, I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think 482 00:29:56,540 --> 00:30:00,100 you're such fucking heroes aren't going to like this, but somebody's got to tell 483 00:30:00,100 --> 00:30:04,580 you for your own good, your children are overrated and overvalued. You've turned 484 00:30:04,580 --> 00:30:09,020 them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish and it's not healthy. 485 00:30:09,340 --> 00:30:10,460 And don't give me... 486 00:30:10,890 --> 00:30:14,690 Don't give me that weak shit. Well, I love my children. Fuck you. 487 00:30:16,650 --> 00:30:19,650 Everybody loves their children. Doesn't make you special. 488 00:30:20,050 --> 00:30:22,310 John Wayne Gacy loved his children. 489 00:30:22,990 --> 00:30:25,150 Kept them all right out in the yard near the garage. 490 00:30:26,510 --> 00:30:30,110 That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant 491 00:30:30,110 --> 00:30:35,830 mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that somehow 492 00:30:36,130 --> 00:30:38,930 everything has to be revolved around children. 493 00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:43,530 It's completely out of balance. Listen, there are a couple of things about kids 494 00:30:43,530 --> 00:30:44,530 you have to remember. 495 00:30:44,690 --> 00:30:47,550 First of all, they're not all cute, okay? 496 00:30:48,170 --> 00:30:51,630 In fact, if you look at them close, some of them are rather unpleasant looking. 497 00:30:52,730 --> 00:30:55,290 And a lot of them don't smell too good either. 498 00:30:55,950 --> 00:30:59,230 The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour milk 499 00:30:59,230 --> 00:31:00,390 combination or something. 500 00:31:00,990 --> 00:31:04,530 Stay with me on this. The sooner you face it, the better off you're going to 501 00:31:05,450 --> 00:31:09,490 Second premise, not all children are smart and clever. Got that? 502 00:31:09,710 --> 00:31:14,110 Kids are like any other group of people. A few winners, a whole lot of losers. 503 00:31:15,630 --> 00:31:19,650 There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren't. 504 00:31:19,870 --> 00:31:23,930 going anywhere and you can't save them all. You can't save them all. You got to 505 00:31:23,930 --> 00:31:27,230 let them go. You got to cut them loose. You got to stop overprotecting them 506 00:31:27,230 --> 00:31:29,070 because you're making them too soft. 507 00:31:29,530 --> 00:31:31,690 Today's kids are way too soft. 508 00:31:31,950 --> 00:31:35,430 For one thing, there's too much emphasis on safety. 509 00:31:36,290 --> 00:31:40,450 Childproof medicine bottles and fireproof pajamas, child restraints in 510 00:31:40,450 --> 00:31:45,250 and helmets, bicycles, skateboard, baseball helmets. Kids have to wear 511 00:31:45,250 --> 00:31:46,850 now for everything but jerking off. 512 00:31:48,300 --> 00:31:53,240 Grown -ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid just to save a few thousand 513 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:55,480 lives. It's pathetic. 514 00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:56,800 It's pathetic. 515 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:03,060 What's happening is, all right, what's happening, you know what it is? These 516 00:32:03,060 --> 00:32:08,040 baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby boomers, are raising an entire 517 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:12,800 of soft, fruity kids who aren't even allowed to have hazardous toys, for 518 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:13,800 Christ's sake. 519 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,560 Hazardous toy shit. What if it happened to natural selection? 520 00:32:17,100 --> 00:32:21,080 Survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow 521 00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:22,240 to have kids of his own. 522 00:32:23,340 --> 00:32:24,360 Simple as that. 523 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:26,300 Simple. Nature. 524 00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:27,600 Nature. 525 00:32:28,540 --> 00:32:29,840 Nature knows best. 526 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:35,840 We're saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should 527 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:41,020 be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people 528 00:32:41,020 --> 00:32:44,060 without interference from airbags and batting helmets. 529 00:32:44,540 --> 00:32:48,040 Just think of it as passive eugenics, okay? 530 00:32:49,540 --> 00:32:52,440 Now, here's another example of overprotection. 531 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:58,400 Did you ever notice on the TV news, every time some guy with an AK -47 532 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:02,240 onto a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the 533 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:08,500 next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counselors and 534 00:33:08,500 --> 00:33:12,140 and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children 535 00:33:12,300 --> 00:33:16,200 Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four 536 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,360 of us. We went right on with our arithmetic. 537 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:26,080 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. 538 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:28,820 You were tough. 539 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:30,240 You were tough. 540 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:34,560 I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they ought to be able to handle 541 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:35,600 the violence in school. 542 00:33:36,780 --> 00:33:39,900 I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waiting for? 543 00:33:40,420 --> 00:33:41,420 Guns in church. 544 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:46,480 That's going to be a lot of fun. And it'll happen. You watch. Some nut will 545 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,220 fucking ape shit in the church. 546 00:33:48,830 --> 00:33:51,470 And they'll refer to him as a disgruntled worshipper. 547 00:33:53,910 --> 00:33:54,910 Here. 548 00:33:55,170 --> 00:33:57,070 Here's another bunch of ignorant shit. 549 00:33:57,330 --> 00:33:58,330 School uniforms. 550 00:33:58,650 --> 00:33:59,750 Bad theory. 551 00:34:00,290 --> 00:34:03,770 The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. 552 00:34:04,030 --> 00:34:07,950 Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? 553 00:34:08,170 --> 00:34:09,969 Now they're going to get them to look alike, too? 554 00:34:10,679 --> 00:34:15,280 And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it 555 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:17,900 was hard to understand because the narration was in German. 556 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:24,040 One more. 557 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:25,360 Thank you. 558 00:34:26,540 --> 00:34:27,540 Thank you. 559 00:34:29,260 --> 00:34:34,020 One more item about children, and that is this superstitious nonsense. 560 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,760 that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. 561 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:42,500 Listen, kids don't smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to. 562 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:48,179 They smoke for the same reasons adults do, because it relieves anxiety and 563 00:34:48,179 --> 00:34:51,940 depression. And you'd be anxious and depressed, too, if you had to put up 564 00:34:51,940 --> 00:34:56,719 these pathetic, insecure, striving, anal, yuppie parents who enroll you in 565 00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,060 college before you're old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the 566 00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:01,060 worst. 567 00:35:02,380 --> 00:35:05,540 Then they fill you full of Ritalin and drag you all over town in search of 568 00:35:05,540 --> 00:35:06,620 meaningless structure. 569 00:35:06,940 --> 00:35:11,440 Little League, Cub Scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, 570 00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:14,880 watercolors, witchcraft, glassblowing, and dildo practice. 571 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:22,860 They even have play dates, for Christ's sakes. Playing is now done by 572 00:35:22,860 --> 00:35:26,340 appointment. Whatever happened to you, show me your wee -wee and I'll show you 573 00:35:26,340 --> 00:35:27,340 mine. 574 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,580 No wonder kids smoke. It helps. 575 00:35:33,580 --> 00:35:37,560 Not as much as weed, but hey, you can't have everything. 576 00:35:37,780 --> 00:35:38,780 You know it's true. 577 00:35:38,820 --> 00:35:43,840 Parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day all 578 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:46,060 should have three hours of daydreaming. 579 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:47,760 Just daydreaming. 580 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:51,840 You could use a little of it yourself, by the way. Just sit at the window, 581 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,720 at the clouds. It's good for you. If you want to know how you can help your 582 00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:56,620 children, leave them the fuck alone. 583 00:36:11,020 --> 00:36:13,440 a little change of pace, a little change of intensity. 584 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:17,040 I want you to know what's on television tonight on the other channels. Always 585 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,780 like people to know what it is they're missing by listening to my shit. 586 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:25,380 First of all, on the Playboy channel, on the Playboy channel, yeah, tonight, 587 00:36:25,580 --> 00:36:28,960 they have one of those new reality shows where the people at home send in their 588 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,940 own tapes. It's called Home Videos of Bad Fucking. 589 00:36:33,500 --> 00:36:35,540 And speaking of that delightful... 590 00:36:35,770 --> 00:36:40,310 I guess you know last week, Ricky Lake had a special program, Women Who Fake 591 00:36:40,310 --> 00:36:44,630 Orgasms. So tonight, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer has a nighttime special, 592 00:36:44,810 --> 00:36:46,610 Men Who Fake Bowel Movements. 593 00:36:47,530 --> 00:36:50,190 Yeah, I think they're running out of topics on those shows, too. 594 00:36:50,610 --> 00:36:54,330 Sally Jesse's next show is Rapists Who Forced Their Victims to Play Yahtzee 595 00:36:54,330 --> 00:36:55,330 Beforehand. 596 00:36:56,070 --> 00:36:58,350 Getting a little strange on daytime TV. 597 00:36:59,070 --> 00:37:03,570 Then, later on tonight, on the Nostalgia Channel, they're going to play back -to 598 00:37:03,570 --> 00:37:07,210 -back two of my favorite episodes of Little House on the Prairie. First of 599 00:37:07,230 --> 00:37:10,650 the 1975 Christmas show, A Douchebag for Clara. 600 00:37:11,990 --> 00:37:16,210 Wasn't that good? And it was sad toward the end when she cried because she stuck 601 00:37:16,210 --> 00:37:17,230 it in the wrong hole. 602 00:37:19,550 --> 00:37:23,690 But as they say in the U .S. Navy, there is no wrong hole. 603 00:37:25,390 --> 00:37:29,700 And then, right after that, They're going to play my favorite little house 604 00:37:29,700 --> 00:37:33,000 the prairie of all times, Missy Takes a Big Dump in the Woods. 605 00:37:34,020 --> 00:37:36,980 And that was interesting, I thought, because she had on the high heels and 606 00:37:36,980 --> 00:37:40,460 long dress, and it was fun to watch how she had to maneuver through the poison 607 00:37:40,460 --> 00:37:41,460 sumac. 608 00:37:42,340 --> 00:37:47,320 And they didn't have toilet paper in those days. She had to use a series of 609 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:48,320 cones. 610 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,860 And she was pulling them in the wrong direction. 611 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,980 Yes. I understand toward the end of the show they had to bleep out a lot of 612 00:37:56,980 --> 00:37:58,200 screaming and foul language. 613 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:05,320 And then, hey, hey, later on tonight on the pay -per -view, on pay -per -view, 614 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:09,780 Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson's concert is on and TV Guide listed all the songs 615 00:38:09,780 --> 00:38:13,180 he's going to sing. He's going to start out with one of my favorites, Too Drunk 616 00:38:13,180 --> 00:38:14,180 to Jerk Off. 617 00:38:15,140 --> 00:38:17,200 Isn't that a good one? God, I love that song. 618 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,480 Then he's going to do a series of love songs, Kiss Me, I'm Coming. 619 00:38:22,509 --> 00:38:25,870 Ah, that's a good one. Kiss me, I'm coming. Hold me, I'm humming. 620 00:38:26,890 --> 00:38:27,890 Well, 621 00:38:28,890 --> 00:38:32,510 I can't help it. I am a romantic and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes. 622 00:38:33,830 --> 00:38:34,970 Here's a sad song. 623 00:38:35,230 --> 00:38:37,230 I should have fucked old what's -her -name. 624 00:38:39,270 --> 00:38:43,890 Remember that? I should have never played the game. I should have fucked 625 00:38:43,890 --> 00:38:44,890 what's -her -name. 626 00:38:46,230 --> 00:38:49,890 Here's one my mother used to sing around the house. Your love ran down my leg 627 00:38:49,890 --> 00:38:50,890 and now you're gone. 628 00:38:54,220 --> 00:38:55,240 That one always got to me. 629 00:38:55,820 --> 00:38:57,800 I'm glad you feel the same way. 630 00:38:59,020 --> 00:39:02,760 Here's a fine love song. You blew my mind. Now blow me. 631 00:39:05,540 --> 00:39:12,060 He's even... He's even going to do a Dee Dee Wonder song. I just called to say I 632 00:39:12,060 --> 00:39:13,060 tested positive. 633 00:39:13,740 --> 00:39:16,420 Yeah. Well, you don't want to leave anybody out. Do you know what I mean? 634 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:21,500 And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of 635 00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:25,100 songs? He's going to do that one George Jones and Waylon Jennings wrote, 636 00:39:25,180 --> 00:39:27,380 drinking beer, taking a shit, and passing out. 637 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:32,220 Then he's going to do a kind of a traditional western song, one that Gene 638 00:39:32,220 --> 00:39:33,600 used to sing when I was a little boy. 639 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:37,280 It's midnight in Montana and I can't get my dick out of this cow. 640 00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,780 I love that song. 641 00:39:42,460 --> 00:39:43,660 I always liked it. 642 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:48,560 Yeah. You know why I like that song so much? Because it's a real cowboy song. 643 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:55,640 And by the way, speaking of cattle fucking, do you know why it is when a 644 00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:58,000 fucks a sheep he does so at the edge of a cliff? 645 00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:00,340 It's so the sheep will push back. 646 00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:05,180 I have something for you. 647 00:40:07,540 --> 00:40:08,540 Yes. 648 00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:12,100 Just a little tip for you outdoorsmen when you're out camping. 649 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:17,300 Now this next thing is about names. 650 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:19,340 That's all names. 651 00:40:19,860 --> 00:40:23,280 Names are an interest of mine, not a hobby. Hobbies cost money. 652 00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:25,200 Interests are free. 653 00:40:25,460 --> 00:40:26,660 This is just about names. 654 00:40:26,860 --> 00:40:28,660 Did you ever notice how they name singles bars? 655 00:40:29,240 --> 00:40:33,220 Singles bars all have the same kind of cutesy little one -word names that end 656 00:40:33,220 --> 00:40:38,060 F. Scamps, tramps, chats, rumors, cahoots, cheers, chances, mingles, 657 00:40:38,260 --> 00:40:39,260 gambits, notions. 658 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,860 Hey, if I had a singles bar, you know what I'd call it? 659 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:43,340 Nipples and dicks. 660 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:46,720 A little truth in advertising. 661 00:40:47,260 --> 00:40:48,660 The Sperm Club. 662 00:40:49,820 --> 00:40:51,260 Snatch -O -Rama. 663 00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:54,820 The Crotcheteria. 664 00:40:56,020 --> 00:40:57,260 Frankie's Fuckery. 665 00:40:58,460 --> 00:40:59,820 Cafe Vagina. 666 00:41:00,380 --> 00:41:02,040 Open all night. 667 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,020 Well, I'm an old -fashioned guy. 668 00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:10,840 I'm old -fashioned because I believe the name on the outside of a place ought to 669 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,620 let you know what's going on on the inside. 670 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,320 It would be a good name for a gay restaurant. 671 00:41:15,700 --> 00:41:16,700 The Mouthful. 672 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:22,080 Come on, that's clever shit. That's a double pun, goddammit. You didn't think 673 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:23,080 it. 674 00:41:23,700 --> 00:41:26,540 Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. 675 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,580 No, no, just go in, have a cocktail. 676 00:41:32,500 --> 00:41:33,680 A highball. 677 00:41:36,590 --> 00:41:39,430 Here's another name I don't care for, TGI Fridays. 678 00:41:39,890 --> 00:41:42,370 You know these cutesy -ass little places? TGI Fridays. 679 00:41:43,270 --> 00:41:47,470 That whole TGIF thing was cute for about an hour. 680 00:41:48,330 --> 00:41:52,530 About an hour. And that was 65 years ago when someone first said it on the 681 00:41:52,530 --> 00:41:56,290 radio. Not cute anymore. Time to start bombing these locations. 682 00:41:58,030 --> 00:41:59,030 TGI Fridays. 683 00:41:59,230 --> 00:42:02,650 If I had a place like that, you know what I'd call it? H -S -I -O -W. 684 00:42:03,210 --> 00:42:05,270 Holy shit, it's only Wednesday. 685 00:42:08,330 --> 00:42:13,310 I think people would drink a lot more liquor if they thought it was Wednesday 686 00:42:13,310 --> 00:42:14,310 all the time. 687 00:42:16,270 --> 00:42:19,670 Well, I'm just looking for a little honesty in these names. Little honesty? 688 00:42:19,770 --> 00:42:23,870 That's not asking a lot. I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it the 689 00:42:23,870 --> 00:42:24,870 Sleep and Fuck. 690 00:42:26,010 --> 00:42:30,490 Wouldn't that be a good honest name for a motel? Who needs this shady Pines 691 00:42:30,490 --> 00:42:33,810 bullshit? The Sleep and Fuck Motel. 692 00:42:34,490 --> 00:42:36,190 Get me one of them big neon signs. 693 00:42:36,530 --> 00:42:37,530 Sleep on. 694 00:42:38,690 --> 00:42:39,950 Sleep on. 695 00:42:40,650 --> 00:42:41,650 Sleep on. 696 00:42:41,830 --> 00:42:42,830 Sleep on. 697 00:42:42,970 --> 00:42:43,970 Sleep on. 698 00:42:44,310 --> 00:42:45,310 Sleep on. 699 00:42:46,150 --> 00:42:47,190 Sleep on. 700 00:42:49,970 --> 00:42:50,970 Sleep on. 701 00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:53,130 Sleep on. 702 00:42:54,330 --> 00:42:58,050 You put it right at the Jersey entrance to the Holland Tunnel, you know? 703 00:43:00,310 --> 00:43:03,010 Actually, fucking sleep would be a little more accurate, wouldn't it? 704 00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:07,020 That name for a motel would be the fucking smoke and sleep and roll over 705 00:43:07,020 --> 00:43:10,100 out of bed and wash your crotch and go out and buy two cans of Mr. Pibb and go 706 00:43:10,100 --> 00:43:11,700 home and fuck a whole lot more. 707 00:43:12,220 --> 00:43:13,760 A whole lot more. 708 00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:18,180 Because that's all they ever have left in those soda machines on Sunday night. 709 00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:21,040 Mr. Pibb and Diet Shasta Orange. 710 00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:26,160 And that yellow can of Canada Dry Tonic Water that nobody wants! 711 00:43:29,020 --> 00:43:34,540 And speaking of naming things, Am I the only person in this country who's 712 00:43:34,540 --> 00:43:38,920 laughing when these commercials come on television for snapper lawnmowers? 713 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:44,540 Isn't there anyone else in this fading republic who knows what a snapper is? 714 00:43:45,020 --> 00:43:47,300 A snapper is a pussy, okay? 715 00:43:48,020 --> 00:43:50,840 That's what it means. Snapper means pussy. 716 00:43:51,260 --> 00:43:55,620 It's derived from an older, more specific term, napping pussy. 717 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,520 which describes a particular type of pussy, one with good, quick muscular 718 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:02,800 control, kind of an elasticity in the vaginal wall that can grab ahold of you 719 00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,100 and give you a decent hump. Do you know what I'm talking about? 720 00:44:05,660 --> 00:44:07,720 A snapping pussy. 721 00:44:10,140 --> 00:44:15,360 But now, now snapper means any kind of pussy, and they've named a lawnmower 722 00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:16,420 company after it. 723 00:44:16,780 --> 00:44:19,860 Now, I have seen a few snappers in my day. 724 00:44:20,300 --> 00:44:22,240 Never seen one that'll cut grass. 725 00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:26,780 Maybe do a little edging. 726 00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:31,920 A little edging along the driveway after a party. That's all you can hope for. 727 00:44:32,940 --> 00:44:35,420 But you know, weed whacker, you can understand. 728 00:44:36,980 --> 00:44:38,700 Now, a lot of these... 729 00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:43,080 Company names and product names are influenced by marketing and advertising 730 00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,960 people. This next thing is about advertising. 731 00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:50,260 And by the way, if you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that 732 00:44:50,260 --> 00:44:56,000 I do commercials for 1010220 and still attack advertising up here, well, you're 733 00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:58,060 just going to have to figure that shit out on your own, okay? 734 00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:04,240 This is called advertising lullaby. 735 00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:09,220 Keeping in mind, of course, that the whole purpose of advertising is to lull 736 00:45:09,220 --> 00:45:10,220 to sleep. 737 00:45:10,700 --> 00:45:15,220 Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, 738 00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:19,580 performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name 739 00:45:19,740 --> 00:45:23,380 easy terms, affordable prices, money back guarantee, free installation. 740 00:45:24,110 --> 00:45:27,150 Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free 741 00:45:27,290 --> 00:45:29,250 free home trial, and free parking. 742 00:45:29,470 --> 00:45:34,470 No cash, no problem, no kidding. No fuss, no must, no risk, no obligation, 743 00:45:34,470 --> 00:45:37,570 red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase 744 00:45:37,570 --> 00:45:41,490 necessary, no one will call on you, no payments or interest until September. 745 00:45:43,450 --> 00:45:44,450 Cut. 746 00:45:45,550 --> 00:45:49,490 Limited time only, though, so act now. Order today. Send no money. Offer good 747 00:45:49,490 --> 00:45:52,930 while supplies last. Two to a customer. Each item sold separately. Batteries not 748 00:45:52,930 --> 00:45:56,550 included. Mileage may vary. All sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery. 749 00:45:56,790 --> 00:45:58,890 Some items not available. Some assembly required. 750 00:45:59,150 --> 00:46:00,430 Some restrictions may apply. 751 00:46:01,250 --> 00:46:02,370 So come on in. 752 00:46:04,850 --> 00:46:05,850 Come on in. 753 00:46:06,300 --> 00:46:10,700 Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly 754 00:46:10,700 --> 00:46:11,720 professional staff. 755 00:46:11,980 --> 00:46:15,400 Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a 756 00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:19,640 selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, 757 00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:25,060 don't forget to pick up your free gift, a classic deluxe custom designer luxury 758 00:46:25,060 --> 00:46:29,380 prestige high -quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. 759 00:46:30,540 --> 00:46:35,140 Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank 760 00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:40,440 And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus 761 00:46:40,580 --> 00:46:45,460 a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high quality premium select 762 00:46:45,460 --> 00:46:51,080 gourmet combination key ring magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine 763 00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:54,800 imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. 764 00:46:56,030 --> 00:47:00,690 Yours for the asking. No purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank 765 00:47:01,530 --> 00:47:06,730 Actually, it's our way of saying bend over just a little bit farther so we can 766 00:47:06,730 --> 00:47:10,170 stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper. 767 00:47:10,450 --> 00:47:11,690 A little bit deeper. 768 00:47:11,930 --> 00:47:13,130 A little bit deeper. 769 00:47:16,990 --> 00:47:23,970 You miserable, no good fucking consumer 770 00:47:23,970 --> 00:47:24,970 asshole. 771 00:47:26,030 --> 00:47:29,850 Because you do know, folks, living in this country, you're bound to know that 772 00:47:29,850 --> 00:47:34,370 every time you're exposed to advertising, you realize once again that 773 00:47:34,370 --> 00:47:38,790 leading industry, America's most profitable business, is still the 774 00:47:38,850 --> 00:47:41,730 packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. 775 00:47:42,570 --> 00:47:47,450 High quality, grade A, prime cut, pure American bullshit. 776 00:47:47,730 --> 00:47:51,590 And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to 777 00:47:51,590 --> 00:47:55,630 believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources. 778 00:47:56,170 --> 00:47:59,070 Advertising, politics, salesmen, not true. 779 00:47:59,490 --> 00:48:00,530 Bullshit is everywhere. 780 00:48:01,150 --> 00:48:04,810 Bullshit is rampant. Parents are full of shit. Teachers are full of shit. 781 00:48:04,870 --> 00:48:09,270 Clergymen are full of shit. And law enforcement people are full of shit. 782 00:48:09,270 --> 00:48:10,270 entire country. 783 00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:17,900 This entire country is completely full of shit and always has been. From the 784 00:48:17,900 --> 00:48:21,040 Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star Spangled 785 00:48:21,100 --> 00:48:25,720 it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white, and blue 786 00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:26,840 -American bullshit. 787 00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:30,840 Because think of how we started. 788 00:48:31,180 --> 00:48:36,340 Think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us 789 00:48:36,340 --> 00:48:37,780 all men are created equal. 790 00:48:38,510 --> 00:48:41,770 Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and niggers and women, right? 791 00:48:42,230 --> 00:48:45,330 Always like to use that authentic American language. 792 00:48:45,690 --> 00:48:51,110 This was a small group of unelected white male landholding slave owners who 793 00:48:51,110 --> 00:48:56,190 suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now that is what's 794 00:48:56,190 --> 00:49:01,010 as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. 795 00:49:01,270 --> 00:49:05,190 And I think Americans really show their ignorance. 796 00:49:05,720 --> 00:49:09,700 When they say they want their politicians to be honest, what are these 797 00:49:09,700 --> 00:49:11,240 cretins talking about? 798 00:49:11,660 --> 00:49:16,980 If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would 799 00:49:16,980 --> 00:49:17,980 collapse. 800 00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:19,880 No one would know what to do. 801 00:49:20,260 --> 00:49:22,300 Honesty would fuck this country up. 802 00:49:22,660 --> 00:49:27,220 And I think deep down, Americans know that. That's why they elected and re 803 00:49:27,220 --> 00:49:28,600 -elected Bill Clinton. 804 00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:30,440 That's why. 805 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:39,940 Because the American people like their bullshit right out front where they can 806 00:49:39,940 --> 00:49:41,820 get a good strong whiff of it. 807 00:49:42,780 --> 00:49:46,020 Clinton might be full of shit, but at least he lets you know it. 808 00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:51,180 Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? Dole kept saying, I'm a plain and honest man. 809 00:49:51,840 --> 00:49:52,840 Bullshit. 810 00:49:53,380 --> 00:49:57,280 People don't believe that. What did Clinton say? He said, hi folks, I'm 811 00:49:57,280 --> 00:49:59,700 completely full of shit and how do you like that? 812 00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:04,340 And the people said, you know something? At least he's honest. 813 00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:09,960 At least he's honest about being completely full of shit. 814 00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:15,360 It's just like the business world. Same as business. Everybody knows by now, all 815 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:18,260 businessmen are completely full of shit. 816 00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:23,070 Just the worst kind of low -life criminal cocksuckers you could ever want 817 00:50:23,070 --> 00:50:25,730 into. A fucking piece of shit businessman. 818 00:50:26,190 --> 00:50:29,890 And the proof of it, the proof of it is they don't even trust each other. 819 00:50:30,090 --> 00:50:34,210 They don't trust one another. When a businessman sits down to negotiate a 820 00:50:34,350 --> 00:50:37,770 the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy 821 00:50:37,770 --> 00:50:41,230 complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him out of his money. 822 00:50:41,690 --> 00:50:45,410 So he's got to do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster 823 00:50:45,410 --> 00:50:46,570 and a little bit harder. 824 00:50:47,290 --> 00:50:51,730 And he's got to do it with a big smile on his face. You know that big bullshit 825 00:50:51,730 --> 00:50:53,030 businessman smile? 826 00:50:53,290 --> 00:50:58,490 And if you're a customer, whoa, that's when you get the really big smile. 827 00:50:58,890 --> 00:51:02,870 Customer always gets that really big smile as the businessman carefully 828 00:51:02,870 --> 00:51:09,170 positions himself directly behind the customer and unzips his pants and 829 00:51:09,170 --> 00:51:10,790 to service the account. 830 00:51:11,550 --> 00:51:13,610 I'm servicing this account. 831 00:51:13,930 --> 00:51:16,170 This customer needs service. 832 00:51:17,900 --> 00:51:19,120 Now you know what they mean. 833 00:51:20,780 --> 00:51:25,180 Now you know what they mean when they say, we specialize in customer service. 834 00:51:26,660 --> 00:51:31,920 Whoever coined the phrase, let the buyer beware, was probably bleeding from the 835 00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:32,920 asshole. 836 00:51:34,180 --> 00:51:35,400 But that's business. 837 00:51:37,240 --> 00:51:38,240 That's business. 838 00:51:40,940 --> 00:51:45,820 But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department, a businessman can't 839 00:51:45,820 --> 00:51:47,760 hold a candle to a clergyman. 840 00:51:48,140 --> 00:51:51,860 Because I got to tell you the truth, folks. I got to tell you the truth. When 841 00:51:51,860 --> 00:51:58,740 comes to bullshit, big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in 842 00:51:58,740 --> 00:51:59,740 awe. 843 00:51:59,980 --> 00:52:05,120 In awe of the all -time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, 844 00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:07,420 religion. No contest. 845 00:52:08,060 --> 00:52:09,360 No contest. 846 00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:17,500 Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. 847 00:52:17,820 --> 00:52:23,840 Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an 848 00:52:23,840 --> 00:52:30,580 man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every 849 00:52:30,580 --> 00:52:36,160 day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you 850 00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:37,160 to do. 851 00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:42,520 And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and 852 00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:46,960 smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live 853 00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:51,920 suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of 854 00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:52,920 time. 855 00:52:53,280 --> 00:52:54,660 But he loves you. 856 00:53:06,250 --> 00:53:08,990 He loves you, and he needs money. 857 00:53:10,670 --> 00:53:12,830 He always needs money. 858 00:53:13,390 --> 00:53:17,130 He's all -powerful, all -perfect, all -knowing, and all -wise somehow. 859 00:53:17,550 --> 00:53:19,270 Just can't handle money. 860 00:53:21,430 --> 00:53:27,750 Religion takes in billions of dollars. They pay no taxes, and they always need 861 00:53:27,750 --> 00:53:28,589 little more. 862 00:53:28,590 --> 00:53:31,610 Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. 863 00:53:32,190 --> 00:53:34,050 Holy shit. 864 00:53:44,240 --> 00:53:45,660 But, thank you very much. 865 00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:53,060 But I want you to know, I want you to know something. This is sincere. I want 866 00:53:53,060 --> 00:53:57,040 you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. 867 00:53:57,380 --> 00:53:59,360 I really, really tried. 868 00:53:59,580 --> 00:54:03,360 I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image 869 00:54:03,360 --> 00:54:07,140 and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. 870 00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:11,380 I really tried to believe that, but I got to tell you, the longer you live, 871 00:54:11,380 --> 00:54:15,320 more you look around, the more you realize something is fucked up. 872 00:54:16,140 --> 00:54:21,440 Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, 873 00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:24,620 poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the ice capades. 874 00:54:26,340 --> 00:54:28,220 Something is definitely wrong. 875 00:54:28,540 --> 00:54:33,280 This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. 876 00:54:33,990 --> 00:54:37,130 Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. 877 00:54:37,990 --> 00:54:41,510 This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. 878 00:54:43,330 --> 00:54:47,590 And just between you and me, and between you and me, in any decently run 879 00:54:47,590 --> 00:54:51,410 universe, this guy would have been out on his all -powerful ass a long time 880 00:54:52,190 --> 00:54:54,370 And by the way, I say this guy... 881 00:54:54,860 --> 00:54:58,500 Because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, 882 00:54:58,500 --> 00:55:03,500 has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. 883 00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:14,340 If there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable 884 00:55:14,340 --> 00:55:20,080 people might agree that he's at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, 885 00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:21,080 give a shit. 886 00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:25,680 Doesn't give a shit. Which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot 887 00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:26,680 of these bad results. 888 00:55:27,020 --> 00:55:31,820 So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and 889 00:55:31,820 --> 00:55:36,040 aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky 890 00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:40,400 incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around 891 00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,660 something else to worship. 892 00:55:41,940 --> 00:55:46,320 Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. 893 00:55:46,620 --> 00:55:47,620 Happened like that. 894 00:55:48,180 --> 00:55:50,520 Overnight, I became a sun worshipper. 895 00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:53,520 Well, not overnight. You can't see the sun at night. 896 00:55:54,600 --> 00:56:00,500 But first thing the next morning, I became a sun worshiper. 897 00:56:01,060 --> 00:56:02,060 Several reasons. 898 00:56:02,580 --> 00:56:04,980 First of all, I can see the sun. Okay. 899 00:56:07,540 --> 00:56:13,000 Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on 900 00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:16,780 that. If I can see something, I don't know, kind of helps the credibility 901 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:17,960 you know. 902 00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:23,200 So every day I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need. Heat, light, 903 00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:28,180 food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, and occasional skin cancer. 904 00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:32,680 But hey, at least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting 905 00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:34,740 fire simply because they don't agree with us. 906 00:56:35,500 --> 00:56:37,580 Sun worship is fairly simple. 907 00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:41,380 There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there 908 00:56:41,380 --> 00:56:45,280 no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather 909 00:56:45,280 --> 00:56:46,660 a week to compare clothing. 910 00:56:48,270 --> 00:56:52,790 And the best thing, the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm 911 00:56:52,790 --> 00:56:57,550 unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't 912 00:56:57,550 --> 00:56:58,550 unkind word. 913 00:56:58,910 --> 00:57:00,150 Treats me fine. 914 00:57:00,610 --> 00:57:05,090 So I worship the sun. But I don't pray to the sun. 915 00:57:05,370 --> 00:57:06,370 Know why? 916 00:57:06,570 --> 00:57:08,390 I wouldn't presume on our friendship. 917 00:57:08,670 --> 00:57:09,670 It's not polite. 918 00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:12,880 I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? 919 00:57:13,220 --> 00:57:17,680 Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading 920 00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:21,020 begging for favors, do this, give me that, I need a new car, I want a better 921 00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:25,720 job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday, his day off. 922 00:57:27,200 --> 00:57:30,300 It's not nice, and it's no way to treat a friend. 923 00:57:30,940 --> 00:57:34,940 But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things. You know, your 924 00:57:34,940 --> 00:57:36,980 sister needs an operation on her crotch. 925 00:57:38,250 --> 00:57:40,750 Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. 926 00:57:41,770 --> 00:57:45,310 But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the 927 00:57:45,310 --> 00:57:46,310 convenience store. 928 00:57:46,730 --> 00:57:49,350 You know, the one with the eye patch and the club foot. 929 00:57:50,050 --> 00:57:53,170 Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. 930 00:57:54,090 --> 00:57:55,210 And I say, fine. 931 00:57:55,470 --> 00:57:58,590 Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But... 932 00:57:59,020 --> 00:58:00,700 What about the divine plan? 933 00:58:01,100 --> 00:58:03,260 Remember that? The divine plan. 934 00:58:03,600 --> 00:58:06,260 Long time ago, God made a divine plan. 935 00:58:06,540 --> 00:58:07,560 Gave it a lot of thought. 936 00:58:07,860 --> 00:58:10,220 Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. 937 00:58:10,460 --> 00:58:14,120 And for billions and billions of years, the divine plan has been doing just 938 00:58:14,120 --> 00:58:17,460 fine. Now you come along and pray for something. 939 00:58:17,740 --> 00:58:21,260 Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in God's divine plan. 940 00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:23,460 What do you want him to do? Change his plan? 941 00:58:23,780 --> 00:58:24,780 Just for you? 942 00:58:25,390 --> 00:58:26,570 Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? 943 00:58:26,810 --> 00:58:27,810 It's a divine plan. 944 00:58:28,090 --> 00:58:31,710 What's the use of being God if every run -down schmuck with a $2 prayer book can 945 00:58:31,710 --> 00:58:32,950 come along and fuck up your plan? 946 00:58:34,030 --> 00:58:36,610 And here's something else, another problem you might have. 947 00:58:36,890 --> 00:58:39,150 Suppose your prayers aren't answered. 948 00:58:39,390 --> 00:58:41,550 What do you say? Well, it's God's will. 949 00:58:41,770 --> 00:58:42,790 Thy will be done. 950 00:58:43,290 --> 00:58:46,970 Fine. But if it's God's will and he's going to do what he wants to anyway, why 951 00:58:46,970 --> 00:58:48,890 the fuck bother praying in the first place? 952 00:58:49,510 --> 00:58:51,630 Seems like a big waste of time to me. 953 00:58:52,370 --> 00:58:53,370 Couldn't you just... 954 00:58:53,480 --> 00:58:56,000 Skip the praying part and go right to his will. 955 00:58:56,400 --> 00:58:57,740 It's all very confusing. 956 00:58:58,120 --> 00:59:03,380 So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I 957 00:59:03,380 --> 00:59:05,500 don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? 958 00:59:05,860 --> 00:59:06,860 Joe Pesci. 959 00:59:08,540 --> 00:59:09,540 Joe Pesci. 960 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:14,160 Joe Pesci. Two reasons. First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? 961 00:59:14,540 --> 00:59:15,780 To me, that counts. 962 00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:19,420 Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. 963 00:59:20,540 --> 00:59:22,580 Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. 964 00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:24,810 doesn't fuck around. 965 00:59:25,870 --> 00:59:32,310 In fact, in fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was 966 00:59:32,310 --> 00:59:33,310 having trouble with. 967 00:59:33,410 --> 00:59:37,030 For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking 968 00:59:37,030 --> 00:59:40,710 dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. 969 00:59:41,930 --> 00:59:45,270 It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. 970 00:59:46,770 --> 00:59:49,290 So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. 971 00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:55,180 And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God 972 00:59:55,180 --> 00:59:59,640 and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are being answered at about the 973 00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:01,180 same 50 % rate. 974 01:00:02,060 --> 01:00:07,140 Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50 -50. 975 01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:11,280 Same as the four -leaf clover in the horseshoe, the wishing well in the 976 01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:12,680 foot. Same as the mojo man. 977 01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:16,420 Same as the voodoo lady who tells you you're fortunate by squeezing the goat's 978 01:00:16,420 --> 01:00:17,420 testicles. 979 01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:22,840 It's all the same, 50 -50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a 980 01:00:22,840 --> 01:00:24,260 wish, and enjoy yourself. 981 01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:29,380 And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary 982 01:00:29,380 --> 01:00:32,020 qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. 983 01:00:32,240 --> 01:00:35,340 You might want to look at The Three Little Pigs. That's a good one. 984 01:00:35,980 --> 01:00:39,640 That's a nice, happy ending. I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little 985 01:00:39,640 --> 01:00:43,080 Riding Hood, although it does have that X -rated part where the big bad wolf 986 01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:44,440 actually eats the grandmother. 987 01:00:45,340 --> 01:00:47,280 which I didn't care for, by the way. 988 01:00:47,700 --> 01:00:52,920 And finally, I've often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty 989 01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:57,460 Dumpty. The potter liked the best. All the king's horses and all the king's men 990 01:00:57,460 --> 01:01:00,040 couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. 991 01:01:00,460 --> 01:01:03,980 That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no God. 992 01:01:04,380 --> 01:01:07,680 None, not one, no God, never was. 993 01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:14,770 In fact, I'm going to put it this way. If there is a God, if there is a God, 994 01:01:14,770 --> 01:01:16,650 he strike this audience dead. 995 01:01:18,790 --> 01:01:20,190 See? Nothing happened. 996 01:01:20,530 --> 01:01:21,530 Nothing happened. 997 01:01:21,930 --> 01:01:22,930 Everybody's okay. 998 01:01:23,070 --> 01:01:24,650 All right? Tell you what. 999 01:01:26,110 --> 01:01:27,110 Tell you what. 1000 01:01:27,550 --> 01:01:28,910 I'll raise the stakes. 1001 01:01:29,150 --> 01:01:33,710 I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. 1002 01:01:34,310 --> 01:01:37,550 See? Nothing happened. Wait. Got a little cramp in my leg. 1003 01:01:38,450 --> 01:01:39,750 And my balls hurt. 1004 01:01:40,790 --> 01:01:41,930 Plus, I'm blind. 1005 01:01:43,080 --> 01:01:46,140 Oh, now I'm okay again. Must have been Joe Pesci. 1006 01:01:46,480 --> 01:01:51,380 God bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe, bless you. Thank you very 1007 01:01:51,380 --> 01:01:52,940 much. I appreciate it. 1008 01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:05,940 Bye -bye. Have fun. Good. Thank you very much. 1009 01:02:17,840 --> 01:02:18,880 Have a good time. 1010 01:02:19,100 --> 01:02:20,820 Have a good time. Thank you.